TO BE IN FLOW

To be in flow means to live and work with minimal frictions, especially unnecessary frictions, to live and work with ease and grace.

How do we do that?

We have to know where we are and where we want to go. Let’s start with where we are. What creates frictions?

• Other people—some more than others.
• Disappointments.
• Irritations.
• Frustrations.
• Risks and dangers.
• Competition, especially unexpected or unfair competition.
• Unrealistic desires and ambitions.
• Unrealistic expectations
• Stagnation; blocks.
• Attacks.

This list is not exhaustive and it is not analytic: the items are not mutually exclusive.

Generally speaking, to be in flow, three things have to be in sync: where we are, what we want and what we can. Our situation, our ambition and our abilities.
Of these three, ambition - what we want - is most easily changed. Changing our situation means other place of living, other work or other people around is. Changing abilities means learning new things, which may require a lot of time and effort.
So the first question is: what can we change practically? The first option always to consider is what we can change in our mind. And do we want to change our mind?

In my own life, the main factors that hinder me to be in flow are irritations and disappointments. Disappointments are more easy to get rid of than irritations—for me. But both respond to the right kind of meditation. If meditation doesn’t suffice, some therapy is indicated. Of yourself. Don’t expect others to change. If they do, great, but no expectations!
Always, always, start with changing your mind-set. Only than go for the bigger changes. First of those is to change the people you interact with. The most difficult is family. The second is close colleagues at work. Communications and interactions can be changed—if both parties are open to that. Don’t expect too much.
There is the saying: “What is the greatest misunderstanding between men and women? Women think they can change their men, men think that their women stay the same.”
Try once, try twice, try thrice. But not more. Change you life or change your expectations. Let go of unrealistic expectations and minimize your irritations.

Kurt Lewin, a psychologist, known for his field theory, said that people have only five problems: two frustrations and three conflicts:
Wanting something positive you are blocked from attaining.
Wanting to leave something negative that you are stuck with.
Having to choose between two evils.
Having to choose between two goods.
Being with something that is positive and negative at the same time.
Pick your choice.

Martin Seligman, an other psychologist, found out what made people happy:
Find something you love and do that, preferably with people you love.
Find something that is really meaningful for you.
Find something that absorbs you, that makes you forget the time.
He called the last option the life of flow.

If we are in flow, we forget the time. And our actions become natural, even graceful.
An old French saying is that life is like a children’s shirt (une chemise d’enfant): short and messy. Make it long and clean.
What do you love? What is meaningful to you? What makes you forget the time?

Decisiveness and the killer instinct

Decisiveness is a quality that is almost always important, often essential.
Indecisiveness is more often a problem than over-decisiveness.
Over-decisiveness: deciding too fast, too early, without due consideration. Acting impulsive of even involuntary. Jumping.

Every decision is a choice, but not every choice is a decision. A decision is a choice with real-world consequences. The more important those consequences, the heavier the decision.

To marry is a decision. Sometimes it is the choice between two or even more possible partners. Almost always it is the choice between marrying or not marrying a partner or possible partner. When the woman is pregnant, that decision has more consequences, as there is a child involved - or at least a possible child.

A decision is a conscious choice. We consider the alternatives. Often one alternative is more known and the other less known. We know our present job, though we never know for sure what will happen when we continue. The possible new job is even less known. And how many possible jobs are out there?

Whatever we choose, we cut off all other possibilities, at least for now. If we choose our holiday destination, we say no to all other destinations - including staying at home. When we choose a life partner, we say no to all other possible partners we ever met, or may still meet. Saying YES to one thing, means saying NO to all other options.

To be decisive is to go in focused, rather than fritter away energy and time sitting on the fence of many possibilities.
So the power of decision is the power to say YES, but even more the power to say NO.
In addictions the power to say No is leaking.

A decision ends uncertainty. But it opens new uncertainties: about the consequences. There is almost always the possibility of collateral damage. And how can we compare those with the unknown consequences of the alternatives we didn’t take? We can only estimate, guess.

The opposite of decisiveness is lingering doubt. Decisiveness seems a virtue, doubt seems a weakness. But without doubts we act blind, instinctive - or just foolish. A good decision overcomes doubts, does not avoid doubts.

When the first spermatozoa enters the egg, all the thousands of other sperm cells are condemned to die - though sometimes a close second will make it too. To be decisive means to be able to jump, without knowing the future fully. When we take one important step, we kill off alternative histories. We kill off all alternative futures of ourselves - and we prune (sometimes considerably) the alternative futures of people around us.

So, when you are decisive, you are a killer. Only one future survives.
When you are indecisive you are also a killer, a slow, gradual killer of possibilities.
To decide properly we need to learn how to be ruthless, how to kill the unborn alternatives.

For decision we need courage.
For a good decision we need wisdom.
Courage and wisdom are two of the fundamental success factors in work and life. When we have them, we only need to pray for good-luck, the third universal success factor.

The fear of the indecisive is to get stuck, to lose options, to lose freedom. Or to lose ease and familiarity.
As Machiavelli already quoted: The Lady Fortune favors the bold.

If you read texts like this you are rather a thinker than a doer. You probably will rather decide too slow than too quick - though even usually hesitant people may sometimes blindly rush in where angels fear to tread.
So work on your wisdom and especially on your courage. Learn from your mistakes. By the way, were they really mistakes? And, more important, were they really yours?
And pray to the goddess. Preferably Athena. (Again: a choice!)

In constellation work we often find that an apology, at least a recognition is needed to the person not chosen, to ‘the road not taken.’ The more we respectfully decline and say goodbye to the roads not taken, the more we bless the road taken.

A thoughtful decison-maker is a killer, though an attentive, affable one.

LIVING WITH THE SELF

We have a self. We not only have feelings and thoughts and impressions of others - also about ourselves. How do we live with ourselves?
I found twelve ways. Most of them come in opposite flavors. And there may be more.
Check with yourself. I am not sure if they should be considered in any particular order. Anyway, here they come.

Feeding ourselves. This can be literally or metaphorical. During meetings we may be on the lookout for appreciating glances or remarks. We may be hungry for compliments, at least for acknowledgement.
The negative of this is starving ourselves. We do that when we feel that we don’t deserve positive feedback. Or when we feel it is safer to be unnoticed, invisible. Or we do that to discipline ourselves. It may make us feel special, not like most people, not like common people. Or we punish our body. It is disgusting to exist, to have a body.

When this is about attention from others, it is about presenting ourselves or hiding ourselves. The most common reason to hide is shame. ‘Sorry for existing, sorry for taking up space.’

Wishing ourselves well, hoping and dreaming. We are not only what we are, we are also what we want, desire, need, hope for. Or the reverse: what we fear, what we want to avoid, what we worry about. We are also what we expect: good or bad.

Defending ourselves. Against silent and outspoken criticism, against our inner critic. Sometimes plural: inner critics. We may even rehearse our defense in our mind before we actually may need to do so. We may defend ourselves before we are attacked. We may even defend ourselves against possible compliments by excusing ourselves before others had the opportunity to react. We may defend ourselves aggressively, attacking those who possibly might criticize us. All this may cost much energy, so we are already tired before we really might need to defend ourselves.

Pitying ourselves. Ever heard of self-pity? For the professionals reading this: the auto-psychodrama. We suffer from this especially when we are well-intended but misunderstood: an awful, but common combination. And when we act this out to receive our well-deserved pity from others, we are going to be disappointed. More reason for self-pity. There are many disappointments in life, so many reasons for self-pity. Don’t leave the train at this station! This is not the end of the line!

Doubting ourselves.  We never can be really sure of anything. Also not of ourselves. What to think about what we did? What we said? How we reacted? What we hoped for? What we were afraid of? What we decided? What we chose? "Maybe I am doubting myself too much. Maybe I should be more self-assured, like Jack, or like Minnie."

Being indifferent to ourselves. Usually while we are indifferent to about everything and everyone else. Why bother? It’s all meaningless anyway. Who cares? Life is boring.

Destroying ourselves. This is worse, much worse. It is the ultimate remedy against frustration without end. The ultimate remedy also against self-doubt, self-blame, and guilt. It is the road to suicide, sometimes the gradual one: terminal addiction.

Developing ourselves. We can also invest in ourselves. Learn things, discover things. Exercise. Grow stronger, more knowledgeable, more able. We even might grow wings.

Enjoying ourselves. Usually that is what simply happens. We may seek it and we may succeed in that. But it is often somewhat slippery. It may take quite some time before we learn what really is satisfying and making us happy.

Examining ourselves. Looking in the mirror, listening to our own voice. Weird and difficult. Almost impossible without judging. And how to judge? Difficult to do without praise or criticism. Others can help, sometimes considerably. Others can also greatly hinder our self-appraisal. How are you appraising yourself? What for, actually?

Forgetting ourselves. This is a paradoxical one. When we forget ourselves we also forget that we are forgetting ourselves. It may mean that we are in flow: forgetting the time, forgetting ourselves, absorbed in what we do in what we experience. It may also mean that we mentally died. Rebirth? How? Why?

Naked self-awareness. Also a paradoxical one. May be an incredible fullness. Or may be an incredible emptiness. Essentially, first an incredible emptiness and, if you mentally survive that, an incredible fullness. Don’t expect this. Don’t prepare for this.