LIVING WITH THE SELF

We have a self. We not only have feelings and thoughts and impressions of others - also about ourselves. How do we live with ourselves?
I found twelve ways. Most of them come in opposite flavors. And there may be more.
Check with yourself. I am not sure if they should be considered in any particular order. Anyway, here they come.

Feeding ourselves. This can be literally or metaphorical. During meetings we may be on the lookout for appreciating glances or remarks. We may be hungry for compliments, at least for acknowledgement.
The negative of this is starving ourselves. We do that when we feel that we don’t deserve positive feedback. Or when we feel it is safer to be unnoticed, invisible. Or we do that to discipline ourselves. It may make us feel special, not like most people, not like common people. Or we punish our body. It is disgusting to exist, to have a body.

When this is about attention from others, it is about presenting ourselves or hiding ourselves. The most common reason to hide is shame. ‘Sorry for existing, sorry for taking up space.’

Wishing ourselves well, hoping and dreaming. We are not only what we are, we are also what we want, desire, need, hope for. Or the reverse: what we fear, what we want to avoid, what we worry about. We are also what we expect: good or bad.

Defending ourselves. Against silent and outspoken criticism, against our inner critic. Sometimes plural: inner critics. We may even rehearse our defense in our mind before we actually may need to do so. We may defend ourselves before we are attacked. We may even defend ourselves against possible compliments by excusing ourselves before others had the opportunity to react. We may defend ourselves aggressively, attacking those who possibly might criticize us. All this may cost much energy, so we are already tired before we really might need to defend ourselves.

Pitying ourselves. Ever heard of self-pity? For the professionals reading this: the auto-psychodrama. We suffer from this especially when we are well-intended but misunderstood: an awful, but common combination. And when we act this out to receive our well-deserved pity from others, we are going to be disappointed. More reason for self-pity. There are many disappointments in life, so many reasons for self-pity. Don’t leave the train at this station! This is not the end of the line!

Doubting ourselves.  We never can be really sure of anything. Also not of ourselves. What to think about what we did? What we said? How we reacted? What we hoped for? What we were afraid of? What we decided? What we chose? "Maybe I am doubting myself too much. Maybe I should be more self-assured, like Jack, or like Minnie."

Being indifferent to ourselves. Usually while we are indifferent to about everything and everyone else. Why bother? It’s all meaningless anyway. Who cares? Life is boring.

Destroying ourselves. This is worse, much worse. It is the ultimate remedy against frustration without end. The ultimate remedy also against self-doubt, self-blame, and guilt. It is the road to suicide, sometimes the gradual one: terminal addiction.

Developing ourselves. We can also invest in ourselves. Learn things, discover things. Exercise. Grow stronger, more knowledgeable, more able. We even might grow wings.

Enjoying ourselves. Usually that is what simply happens. We may seek it and we may succeed in that. But it is often somewhat slippery. It may take quite some time before we learn what really is satisfying and making us happy.

Examining ourselves. Looking in the mirror, listening to our own voice. Weird and difficult. Almost impossible without judging. And how to judge? Difficult to do without praise or criticism. Others can help, sometimes considerably. Others can also greatly hinder our self-appraisal. How are you appraising yourself? What for, actually?

Forgetting ourselves. This is a paradoxical one. When we forget ourselves we also forget that we are forgetting ourselves. It may mean that we are in flow: forgetting the time, forgetting ourselves, absorbed in what we do in what we experience. It may also mean that we mentally died. Rebirth? How? Why?

Naked self-awareness. Also a paradoxical one. May be an incredible fullness. Or may be an incredible emptiness. Essentially, first an incredible emptiness and, if you mentally survive that, an incredible fullness. Don’t expect this. Don’t prepare for this.