LIVING WITH THE SELF

We have a self. We not only have feelings and thoughts and impressions of others - also about ourselves. How do we live with ourselves?
I found twelve ways. Most of them come in opposite flavors. And there may be more.
Check with yourself. I am not sure if they should be considered in any particular order. Anyway, here they come.

Feeding ourselves. This can be literally or metaphorical. During meetings we may be on the lookout for appreciating glances or remarks. We may be hungry for compliments, at least for acknowledgement.
The negative of this is starving ourselves. We do that when we feel that we don’t deserve positive feedback. Or when we feel it is safer to be unnoticed, invisible. Or we do that to discipline ourselves. It may make us feel special, not like most people, not like common people. Or we punish our body. It is disgusting to exist, to have a body.

When this is about attention from others, it is about presenting ourselves or hiding ourselves. The most common reason to hide is shame. ‘Sorry for existing, sorry for taking up space.’

Wishing ourselves well, hoping and dreaming. We are not only what we are, we are also what we want, desire, need, hope for. Or the reverse: what we fear, what we want to avoid, what we worry about. We are also what we expect: good or bad.

Defending ourselves. Against silent and outspoken criticism, against our inner critic. Sometimes plural: inner critics. We may even rehearse our defense in our mind before we actually may need to do so. We may defend ourselves before we are attacked. We may even defend ourselves against possible compliments by excusing ourselves before others had the opportunity to react. We may defend ourselves aggressively, attacking those who possibly might criticize us. All this may cost much energy, so we are already tired before we really might need to defend ourselves.

Pitying ourselves. Ever heard of self-pity? For the professionals reading this: the auto-psychodrama. We suffer from this especially when we are well-intended but misunderstood: an awful, but common combination. And when we act this out to receive our well-deserved pity from others, we are going to be disappointed. More reason for self-pity. There are many disappointments in life, so many reasons for self-pity. Don’t leave the train at this station! This is not the end of the line!

Doubting ourselves.  We never can be really sure of anything. Also not of ourselves. What to think about what we did? What we said? How we reacted? What we hoped for? What we were afraid of? What we decided? What we chose? "Maybe I am doubting myself too much. Maybe I should be more self-assured, like Jack, or like Minnie."

Being indifferent to ourselves. Usually while we are indifferent to about everything and everyone else. Why bother? It’s all meaningless anyway. Who cares? Life is boring.

Destroying ourselves. This is worse, much worse. It is the ultimate remedy against frustration without end. The ultimate remedy also against self-doubt, self-blame, and guilt. It is the road to suicide, sometimes the gradual one: terminal addiction.

Developing ourselves. We can also invest in ourselves. Learn things, discover things. Exercise. Grow stronger, more knowledgeable, more able. We even might grow wings.

Enjoying ourselves. Usually that is what simply happens. We may seek it and we may succeed in that. But it is often somewhat slippery. It may take quite some time before we learn what really is satisfying and making us happy.

Examining ourselves. Looking in the mirror, listening to our own voice. Weird and difficult. Almost impossible without judging. And how to judge? Difficult to do without praise or criticism. Others can help, sometimes considerably. Others can also greatly hinder our self-appraisal. How are you appraising yourself? What for, actually?

Forgetting ourselves. This is a paradoxical one. When we forget ourselves we also forget that we are forgetting ourselves. It may mean that we are in flow: forgetting the time, forgetting ourselves, absorbed in what we do in what we experience. It may also mean that we mentally died. Rebirth? How? Why?

Naked self-awareness. Also a paradoxical one. May be an incredible fullness. Or may be an incredible emptiness. Essentially, first an incredible emptiness and, if you mentally survive that, an incredible fullness. Don’t expect this. Don’t prepare for this.

SOME FALSE BELIEFS - OR MENTAL DISEASES

This title is a bit misleading. It should be called: Beliefs that I consider to be dead wrong. And that I have heard being said by - let’s call them: alternative - people

Nothing is real.
This is a favorite with people who want to seem deep to themselves and to others. Look how courageous and open-minded I am! Are you courageous and open-minded enough to follow me into this wild and open country?
If nothing is real, the person who is saying this is also not real, so who cares?
The right take is that whatever we experience, is less than what is out there. Or, when we are introspective, whatever we experience about ourselves, is less than what is in there. Our perceptions and our thoughts are limited - and they may be twisted. As there is something like fantasy. There is often unreality in our assumptions, our expectations and even in our perceptions.
Real is what makes a difference. A nice saying, rather practical, but too glib. Canopus is a real star, but does it make any difference? Not to the stock market, not to my love life. Difference to whom? In what?
Anyway, you don’t want that a brain surgeon, operating on you, believes that nothing is real. Cutting at the wrong place may make a difference. Unless life and death aren’t real either. And what about pain? Some maintain that it is also an illusion.

Nothing really matters.
What matters or not depends on whom we are talking about. And matter or not matter for what? The weather in Siberia doesn’t matter. Not to me, as I am not there and I have no family or friends there, no business interests, no plans.
X is important to A in regard to Y. If you don’t specify who and what, the question of what matters is gloriously empty. Importance or lack of importance doesn’t exist. It doesn’t grow on trees. Something may or nor be important for someone, in some respect. For survival, for example. Or health. Or success. Or happiness. Everything is important. Also an empty slogan by empty minds.

Definite causes have definite effects.
A causes B. So if we encounter B, there must have been A. Speeding leads to more road accidents. Pretty true. But there are many factors involved here. The state of the roads, the state of the speeding vehicle, the mental and physical state of the driver, the weather, the time of day or night. The presence or absence of other traffic, of people, of animals even. According to some, the positions of the planets - and the natal horoscope of the driver.
A causes B, all other conditions identical. But conditions are never identical. A causes B may be a correct and useful statement, as long as we don’t forget that is dependent on conditions. And as our knowledge is limited, we are never 100% sure. To be 100% sure in general is a mental aberration.
Sometimes we may get close. Which is good enough. But never forget: there are conditions.

Scientific facts are more important than direct experience.
Especially in the social sciences this is a widespread idea. People are amateurs when it comes to evaluate human situations and human behavior. That is true. Unfortunately, what social scientists call facts are the conclusions of research that is always partial and always on limited samples that are never completely representative. Facts that are established by research should be taken seriously, but not as gospel.

Direct experience is more important than scientific facts.
Alas, the opposite is also flimsy. Our personal experiences are valuable, our personal conclusions may be right, but not necessarily. Chances for misreading the so-called facts of experience are legio. The more experience we have, the larger the chance that we read right. But experienced people may make grave mistakes also. Clear-mindedness and especially open-mindedness are essential to increase the chance that our perceptions and evaluations are right - and useful. Only people low on uncertainty avoidance can stay open-minded.

There are parallel worlds.
There aren’t, at least no worlds that don’t interact. The assumption seems that our mind can somehow enter parallel worlds. That may be true, but that implies an interaction. If there is a truly parallel world, its existence is meaningless for this universe. There is no way to know and there is no possible interest in this empty assumption.

Time doesn’t exist.
Or, only slightly less idiotic, time is circular. Well it isn’t. There is always before and after. And there is the idea that time is relative. Okay, relative to what? Time measurement of course is relative to place and speed (speed itself is relative to places). ‘Time is the fourth dimension.’ Well it isn’t, it is no dimension at all. It is a vector.  In a dimension you can return to a place of departure, in time you can’t.
And there is of course the notion popular in stories, especially in movies, of time travel. The only time travel that exists is the kind all of us do, every moment of our life. We can’t travel to the past, we can’t travel to the future. Also not in the future. We can remember, we can visit recordings of the past. And we may visit plans and projections, scenarios, expectations. Mentally, we may both dwell in the past and in the future.
There may be some precognition. We can see the tree in the sapling. But not all saplings grow into trees. Leave time travel to SF and Ground Hog Day.  Let’s not spend more time on this.